Hello, this is Stress calling...

Stress. It's a bitch.

You know when you just want everything and everyone to be okay but there is always something! You want someone to just listen and say that you’re going to be okay. I can't even explain how I feel and I just think what the hell is wrong with me?? 

I love talking and chatting to people but I have no clue how to explain how I feel. I feel so confused, stressed, used, lonely and unloved. It's so so SO stupid because I have great friends and family how love me so much but god do I just wish I could do want without telling me that "That's not a good option" or "You sure you want to do that?". Only in the last like 4 months has someone asked me "What do you want to do?"

You had 18 years to ask me that and now guess what I really don't care. I want to go to university and get a degree in something and I want to make everyone happy and I would like to feel pretty and normal. I wish my heart would stop hurting and that I could finally just feel like I fit in somewhere, anywhere. I get that probably everyone feels like this now and again but for god sakes. I just want to be happy and I don't want to have to think about all the stuff that I've been through! It's in the past why does it have to creep up on me like this? I don't want you there!! Look it happened now stop haunting me!!! 

I guess you think I'm just wining about everything and I'm sorry I don't mean to whine but I'm always listening to other people and I just want to make someone listen to me and the only way I can seem to do that is my screaming at the top on my voice. And of course there are the hormones!! Don't even get me started on these bloody things!!! They make you cry and laugh at the same time and make your moods go up and down like a rollercoaster while at the same time you have to juggle everything and everyone.

I want to fall in love. I just need someone I can love. Is that really so much to ask? I don't see how it is a bad thing to want to take care of someone and feel wanted. I really want someone who I can come home too, give them a big hug and kiss and then cook them dinner and ask them about their day and then just sit and watch old movies. Stupid isn't?

I shouldn't complain. People have far worse lives then me so... I should be thankful and don't get me wrong, I am really really grateful for everything in my life. I truly am. So I'm sorry for writing all this but I just need to say it.

Poems are just words, with a lot more meaning

I've written some poetry when I was younger. I was 15 and it was a couple of months after my friend had died and my English teacher set us the task of writing a poem. Mine was called "Without You" and I think maybe subconsciously I wrote it for him so he knew I was thinking of him.

For some strange reason I woke up last night and just had all these thoughts in my head and I wrote them down and stuck them in a poem. This poem is called "Dear Stranger..." and was written for a boy I knew years ago and it's basically telling him all the things I wish and should have told him but I didn't. I have always said it's the words you don't say that hurt the most.

Then I wrote another one called "Everything was perfect" and is about a man and a woman in an abusive relationship and how in the end he leaves her because he can't keep destroying her anymore. Firstly, I have never been in an abusive relationship and I hope I never will be, so I may have got this so wrong but I thought about it and wrote it down.

Um... that's it really :) 

So here we are...

So....I have never ever blogged in my life and I am hoping that in some strange way it will help me!! Sounds stupid right??? I know but it's worth a shot!!! I think it's probably like writing a diary or something.

I've decided that this year (2011...wooo!) is going to be totally different!!! I've had a pretty tough life but hey who hasn't??? But it's all going to change!! I have a really good feeling about this year and I think it is going to be one of the hardest but most rewarding years for everyone out there. So I'm just going to be blogging about my life, the places, events and people who change it, break it and fix it! :)

So here we are.... you ready for me yet??? ;)